Len's Diary of Oniichan
by Naoki Nyan
Summary: Dear Oniichan, I want to tell you many things but I don't have the guts to do it. Therefore, I'm writing a diary and I don't suppose you could read it but it doesn't matter... (Kaito as oniichan, Len as otouto. Slice of life-ish. Contains sadness and happiness. Don't read if you think it's stupid). TIP: It's better to read when you're listening to random sad musics.
1. Day 1

**Today. ** **5 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

This is some kind of diary of mine that contains some stuffs I wanna tell you. Although, I know I could tell it directly to you but this is how I felt like it. As I write this, I am currently thinking about the stuffs that we've been through together... Chatting and messaging each other, what else?

Oniichan, I don't know if you know this but you could be insensitive sometimes! I mean, I want you to call on me, comfort me and talk to me! It's not like you don't but yes, you comfort me all the time yet I have this feeling that something is missing...

This day was great! I just passed by something I shouldn't let others know but it's nothing controversial. Still, I haven't talked to you today so I felt kinda empty at the same time...

Oniichan, don't you notice my sudden silence of you? Don't you think your otouto is depressed or something? Can you really go on a day without talking to him? I'm trying to make you miss me, can't you see..? I know I'm nothing in your life, but you're something in mine... Is it okay for you to let go of me? It can't be avoided that we will divert ways someday but is it okay for you if that is to happen now? Today? Right this second?

Sorry for being overly-dramatic but this is how I want to be. It's not like you'll be reading this or anything so I'm okay to express everything.

Well, my head feels like it's gonna blow... My eyes are slowly releasing droplets of tears too... But that's okay. I can handle myself. I've become strong... thanks to you.

I'll be writing again soon. I hope whatever you are doing will turn out great... oniichan.

-Love, Your Selfish Otouto


	2. Day 2

**Today. 6 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

This is my second day of writing in this diary containing the things I want to tell you. So, as of today, I'm pretty much happy because someone entertained me over the internet and I know he cares for me, like you, oniichan. Still, when we began, I remembered the last conversation we had… I expected you to spice up our conversation but all you did was say short, sympathetic and boring words… I want you to flatter me more, although I don't like it. Maybe in you, I loved it. Let's spend more time together!

Oniichan, are you doing okay? I'm worried. I'm doing well. Does it concern you at all..? I'm still acting the way I was to make you miss me but I guess it's not working… I'm kinda jealous of your special someone because the person's always there beside you… I could be beside you too, but I guess it won't work the same way for you… I want to be beside you and I know it'll be uncomfortable for you but it doesn't matter right? Because you love me and I love you. That's all that matters… Oniichan, I learned how to fight back a little and it's all thanks to you! Still, I need you… Why do you not notice me? I'm always here, just waiting for you yet all I could hear is the sound of silence, emanating within my empty head... Do you enjoy it when I go on a breakdown like this? Are you being mean to your otouto again? Am I a bother? I know I am… I really do. Least you could do is tell me I am… Are you scared of hurting my feelings? You're already doing so…

Oniichan, why are you so insensitive? Can't you at least feel my sudden sadness? Why not comfort me again? I ran by this person I've been telling you about and I know well that you give little to no damn at all… Still, you're listening… that's because I'm your otouto. And you love me. Isn't that right? No matter how annoying, I know you're there, even if it's a pain. Oniichan, I didn't sleep much yesterday. Aren't you worried? I might catch a sickness from what I did. Take care of me more, oniichan. I'm not doing it on purpose. My stupid oniichan is just making me feel bad, really…

I'll write again as soon as another day passes… I hope that you'll notice me soon… oniichan.

-Love, Your Sick Otouto


	3. Day 3

**Today. 7 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

This is my third entry in my diary of you now! Isn't that great, oniichan? Listen! I've been working hard on something! Aren't you proud, oniichan? Of course you are! But... are you really..? We still haven't talked to each other... Oniichan, where are you? I want you. I need you. Your otouto is feeling lonely, don't you miss him yet..? I'm still sick, why aren't you checking on me? Oniichan, I'm still waiting...

This day was unproductive. I kinda turned irresponsible because you're not here... Oniichan, when will you be back? Are you still hanging out with your special someone? I'm special too, aren't I? Yes, tell me I am! I'm special, right!? I'm special...

Right..? Oniichan?

Things have been very different without you... I lost all interest and I just wanna succumb to my illness because you're not here and I'm taking care of myself... Oniichan, your otouto needs caring, where are you?

Don't worry, oniichan. I'll be strong until you returned and I won't let myself be conquered by some petty disease! Look on the bright side... Many great things happened to me today. I got on a date, got a friend and talked with oniichan! B-But... it's a shame those were only dreams...

Oniichan, won't you help me make my dreams come true? My best dream is for oniichan to take good care of me and never leave me alone... ever. I'm scared... What if oniichan left me someday? Will I be able to do anything without you?

Well, I'll write again when this current day is over... I'll do my best and I know oniichan will be proud of me. I hope to see you soon!

-Love, Your Special Otouto


	4. Day 7

**Today. 11 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

I haven't been able to write for some time now because my sickness has gotten worse. Don't worry though. Rin-chan is taking good care of me but I mostly take care of myself because she often leaves me for a reason. Oniichan, I'm actually worried about you now… why don't you check on me for at least once? Let's have fun again..! I want to spend time with you, laugh with you, have fun with you and do other stuffs we haven't done together yet. I… I don't care if I'm sick… In fact, I don't care if I die because of it as long as oniichan is beside me…

Am I being too clingy, oniichan? Do you want me to change in a way? I can't help it… You're way too much for me to control myself. Whatever oniichan says, I'll still remain the same, but… if you won't come back because of that… I guess I have no other choice.

Oniichan, I can't feel my body anymore. It's as if I'm all numb and chilly inside… Don't worry, Rin-chan told me that it'll be fine and she'll come check me as soon as she can. Although, it bothers me that I always wake up, wet with what seem to be her tears. It's not such a big deal, right? I'll recover soon so I can spend time with oniichan again!

As I look outside the window, I could see the cold, winter night that always watches me before I go to sleep. Sometimes, there are some weird silhouettes out there but I'm always eexpecting one of them to be oniichan. It's a possibility! I hope my biggest dream might come to reality… Just… want oniichan… beside…

I hope he'll come soon…

I'll write again as soon as I can move properly again. I just hope oniichan will be there the next time I wake up…

-Love, Your Worried Otouto


	5. Day 20

**Today. 24 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

How are you doing? Can you still remember me? I haven't written anything for almost two weeks… It's funny because it's somehow worth it. I've actually been in the hospital because my fever went up high. Thanks to the hospital though that I've gotten well. The sad thing is… Rin-chan worked very hard just to pay the money and I feel guilty about it… Well, I promised I'd help her out but she refused because she said I need to rest still. I'm completely fine though… Not really… Oniichan is still missing…

Oniichan, I'm feeling pretty well now. I can also see you in the news so I really feel secured, even just a bit. But… why? Why aren't you dropping by? Even when I'm sick… you weren't there… But I'm not mad, oniichan. I understand your work. It's been a day since I got out of the hospital and I'm going back to school. Sadly, the school dropped me out because of my sudden absences… They won't take my sickness for a reason because I've no proof… We're yet to pay the hospital bill so… That means I won't be seeing Miku-chan or Luka-san or Meiko-san or… or… oniichan… At least Rin-chan would tell me what is happening there. I hope you're doing great!

I still remember… that second week of school when you talked to me. I felt nervous because you're a stranger but now… I realized… Not all strangers are scary. But it's hard for me to make friends… Especially when Rin-chan's not there beside me… Do you think I'll be doing great in my new school? I hope I would! It's not really that bad… I'll just wait for someone to talk to me and they'd be my friend soon! I haven't really told any of you about my transfer but Rin-chan would probably tell you soon.

I won't cry, oniichan. I'll be strong. I have to be. I'll be doing my best. And I hope you'll do yours… See you whenever… oniichan.

-Love, Your Otouto


	6. School Day 0

**Sunday. 28 July 2013**

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Dear Oniichan,

Tomorrow will be my first day in my new school! I'm kind of excited because I'll get in touch with society again. I know I'm usually not the type who knows how to make friends a lot but I promise I could do it! Oniichan, how are you? Rin-chan isn't telling me story about you anymore. And whenever I bring you as topic, she'll just smile and turn away. I wonder how you're doing… How's your life, oniichan? Mine is pretty great. Except that you're still not here.

Oniichan, I kinda don't care anymore. I decided to just go with the flow and let the people who don't want me go. I mean, if oniichan wants me, he'll be here… It hurts. It hurts how much I care about someone who doesn't give a damn about me…Why am I saying this? Oniichan's actually not the only one who's not here… all of you, actually. It feels like Rin-chan is the only person who remembers me and the fact that she's my sister, too made me think that I really have no friends…

Miku-chan. I like her. I actually have a huge crush on her… Shame on me for thinking she likes me back. I'm just assuming and that disappoints me. She didn't even bother to check on me when I was sick… like you. Like Meiko-san. Only Luka-san bothered because she's like a mother to us… but all of you… You're all…

Oniichan, my name is Kagamine Len, your otouto. Can you at least vaguely recall my name? Or my face? Or you just don't care? I can clearly remember your name and face. And even how much you desire for ice cream and less about your otouto… It doesn't matter. If you're sad, I'm sad. If I'm sad, you're happy. We don't synchronize. You don't really feel like my oniichan at all… Why do I care so much? Because I love you. But I just realized you don't feel the same way about me… So what is it that you want? Why did you have to tell me that you're willing to be my oniichan? Why did you have to talk to me during that day? Do you think I don't regret this? Why, I don't even know why I'm still writing in this damn piece of compiled papers! It's all so ridiculous ahahaha!

I don't like to pretend… I'm really sad. It's just not obvious. Is this really the time to let go? If there is a God, I want him to know that I completely dislike the fate he set for me. This is all so, unrealistic. I'd rather die from that sickness I had before! If only that happened…

Like I'll write here ever again…

-Love, Len Kagamine


	7. School Week 1 - Final Entry

**Monday. 5 Aug 2013**

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Dear Diary,

Today marks my first whole week in my new school. So far, I got three classmates bullying me, two teachers who have a hot-eye on me, one locker full of useless letters and zero friends. It is quite fun, I say, too fun to be precise. What does this world have against me? Everything and everyone is so cruel… I don't feel like living anymore. Why, I don't even have someone to talk to besides my sister, who in turn replies to me with a smile or an annoying smirk whenever I ask a question or request. How fun is that!? How come my previous 'friends' don't even visit me? I bet they're having a lot of fun without me now, haha! That sure sounds nice! Oh, how I'd love not to be involved in their fun!

Hah! Like I enjoy their stuff anyway..! Not to mention, that moronic blue haired guy with the nerve to consider me something special..! Pfeh! Like I care!

Dear Kaito, this is for you. If you think I've ever liked you, then I suggest you think again! I don't like you one bit and I've never did! Who are you for me to take attention, anyway? I've given up on you but don't you dare tell me I've started it! Me, your little brother? Funny! I'd rather be my bed's loving little brother. At least my bed is ALWAYS here for me! Unlike someone who promised he'll always be there when I need him. HAH!

Dear Miku, if you think I've liked you, then quit assuming, girl! You're nothing but an excuse of a good voice to attract attention, you… you girl! And don't ever think that I've ever liked when you cuddle to me and act all cute because you disgust me!

Dear Meiko, how are you? I bet you're all drunk and wobbly again, you drunkard! You're a woman too, have shame on yourself! Do you think society would like you, just because you're trying to fit with their characteristic? I've never liked you, ever! If I were to make a request, quit breathing my air!

Dear Luka, my mother-in-law. You do act all motherly but is it really your intention, or are you just trying to be nice? I know there's something thorny with you; I just hope you'll expose it! If you really care for me as a son, well let me tell you that you are, by far, the worst mother one could ever had! You can't even visit your sick son, you lousy excuse of a mother!

Dear imouto, I hope you're having fun with them. I asked you before how 'your friends' have been doing and your reply is a smile. That sure did tell everything. Are you dumb? What kind of answer is that!? Try using words next time, it'll help.

Well, that's all of them. All the people who I think I cared for and cared for me. Too bad my expectations are always a failure. After all, I'm a nobody in this world. Sometimes, I think I'm just a spirit. Nobody cares and notices me but that's how I like it. This is better than being cared for by people who will make you assume and expect from them but will turn you down in the end.

I don't plan to write anymore. This will be my final entry and I hope my life becomes peaceful from now on.

-Len Kagamine


	8. A Familiar Image

A/N: Sorry for this note. Just wanted to say that I disabled the diary mode and started on something. As a spoiler, this will take about 3-4 chapters before finish, and this one's pretty short. Also, sorry for the long wait. Family problems, academic problems, and self-problems are attacking me. Sorry that I'm not good with this.

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It's almost the eleventh day since Len started going at his new school, away from his previous 'friends'. Every day, he still seems so lonely, unlike those days when he was always smiling around the people he loves, the people he could call his family. Len even remembered how he talked trash to those people he used to like. He felt guilty and unpleasant but at the same time, he thought they deserved it. What he doesn't know though is why his friends didn't visit him.

He is walking back from school towards his house, venturing with an upward glance, not minding whether he would bump into people, or even walk out of hand and get into an accident. Len is feeling very sad and emotional as the sky is giving him no solution to his problems, nor answers to his questions. As he continuously walks, tears began running down his face, catching the attention of people around him. But, all those emotions suddenly fade when a girl bumped onto him with a loud thud. They both fell on the ground.

"Ow," Len mumbled, "You should watch where you're going!"

"S-Sorry, um, I have to go!" the girl said.

Judging by her actions, she is in such a hurry, not even looking at Len with even one glance. As soon as they collided, the girl felt like nothing and only rushed to pick up the pieces of paper she dropped.

Len stared at the girl, running away from him with what seems to be her fastest. For some reason, Len can't take his eyes away from this girl until she even became a silhouette and disappeared into the distance. The swaying of her long, Tiffany blue, twin-tailed hair caught his entire attention but has soon gotten over it since she was gone. It's none of his business but Len thought of why she was rushing, and somehow, he felt familiar with this girl.

Soon, he noticed that a piece of paper is still on the ground.

"She... forgot this...?"

Len picked it up, stretched it to its width and began reading. As soon as he opened it, a huge surprise struck him. He brought the paper and rushed back home, eager to see his twin.

"Rin! Rin, where are you!?" he called continuously but no answers were given.

The house is dead silent and it left no trace of fresh occupants, almost like no one had been there for a long while. Not to mention, it's, like, almost night. He felt mixed emotions welling up inside of him, but then he turned to look at the paper in hand.

Immediately, he rushed towards a certain place, hoping to find what he's looking for, and expected what he is expecting. Although, Len knows that his expectations are always a failure so he kind of disregarded that one.

He rushed, rushed, rushed, faster, faster, and faster. He is relentless and reckless, no hesitating. People he passes through are trying to shield themselves in case Len bumped onto them. But, Len is not giving time for delays and he continuously rushed, until finally, he reached his destination. There, his expectations were true and he felt his heart drop. He saw a certain person that he doesn't want to see. Someone whom he have sworn of his dislike but somehow, he felt like approaching the person. With a slow motion, he moved forward and faced his emotions.


End file.
